DOCTRINEwhat we believe, loosely, on most days

The Thirteen Admonitions

He wrote a list of virtues to perfect himself, one at a time, in weekly rotation, and tracked his failures on a chart. We know this because he told everyone, repeatedly, in writing, which some scholars count as a fourteenth virtue: Publicity. It did not make the list. Everything not on the list is not a virtue. This is called the Closed Almanack Problem and it is above your pay grade.

1. Temperance. Eat not to dullness. Drink not to elevation. The Kite-Father drank plenty; he simply never once got elevated about it in front of witnesses who could write.
2. Silence. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling conversation. This admonition is why our meetings run four minutes and our doubts run considerably longer, alone, at 3 a.m.
3. Order. Let all your things have their places. The Kite-Father's own papers, after his ascension, were found in eleven trunks, four attics, and one riverbed. We do not discuss Order at the annual gathering. It causes friction.
4. Resolution. Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve. He resolved to master all thirteen virtues in a single year. He did not. He then resolved to stop counting, which some say was the only virtue he ever fully completed.
5. Frugality. Waste nothing. This is why the collection plate accepts buttons, lint, and "blessings" of an unspecified nature. Nothing is wasted here. Very little is banked, either.
6. Industry. Lose no time. Be always employed in something useful. The Storm does not care how busy you looked. It has read your calendar. It is not impressed.
7. Sincerity. Use no hurtful deceit. Think innocently and justly. Write nothing you would not want read aloud, one day, by a stranger, to a room full of people who already suspect the worst.
8. Justice. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting benefits. A popular admonition among people currently owed money by the Fellowship.
9. Moderation. Avoid extremes. Forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve. We remind members that "moderation" does not, in this context, refer to snack size at the gathering. It never has. Stop asking.
10. Cleanliness. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation. The Kite-Father's own habitation, at the time of the incident with the key and the storm cloud, was, by his own account, "a field, in the rain, holding a kite, which in retrospect was the whole problem."
11. Tranquility. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable. Getting struck by lightning is, statistically, an accident. Doing it on purpose, repeatedly, as a life philosophy, is a lifestyle. We do not editorialize further. We are not allowed to, per a ruling from the last time we editorialized.
12. Chastity. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring. He fathered a nation's postal system. Draw whatever conclusion helps you sleep, which, per Admonition One (see: Home), you should be doing early and often.
13. Humility. Imitate the Kite-Father. He added this one last, on the advice of a Quaker friend who pointed out he was insufferable about the other twelve. It is thirteenth so you forget it exists by the time you get there. This is doctrine working exactly as designed.