Is this a cult?
No. A cult has organization, leadership, and a clear chain of accountability. We have a webpage, thirteen admonitions we mostly ignore, and an offering box that accepts intent. If anything, we are under-organized for a cult. Ask again once we've hired someone.
Is the Kite-Father dead?
He died in 1790, historically, by most accounts, in a bed, of natural causes, which is frankly a disappointing way for a man this associated with lightning to go. The Fellowship's official position is that he "stepped sideways out of the timeline at an hour of his choosing," which is not a euphemism for anything in particular, it just sounds better.
What is the Storm, exactly?
The Storm is either a literal, specific, meteorological event that will return one day and take up the faithful, or it is a recurring local phenomenon that happens to small towns on tour circuits with alarming regularity, or it is a metaphor for consequences. We have polled the membership. The results were "yes."
Can I get a refund on my offering?
You cannot, because nothing was charged, because there is no payment system, because we are, as stated elsewhere on this site at length, not equipped to hold money in any accountable way. Your offering was Ⓐ-denominated and your Ⓐ were never real. We're sorry for the confusion. We remain, on this specific point, extremely not sorry about anything else.
Why thirteen admonitions and not twelve, or a nice round fourteen?
Thirteen was already the list. A friend suggested Humility as a thirteenth after reading the first twelve and finding them insufferable. We have considered adding a fourteenth, "Consistency," several times. We have never followed through. This is, we're told, thematically appropriate.
What if I already worship someone else?
The Kite-Father does not require exclusivity. He was, in life, a diplomat, a printer, a postmaster, a scientist, and reportedly difficult to pin down at parties. Bring him along to your existing devotions. He will either fit in seamlessly or start rearranging your admonitions without asking. Both are on brand.
Is lightning involved in ordination?
No, and if you are asking this question with visible enthusiasm, please reread Admonition Eleven (Tranquility) and consider a nice, calm, indoor hobby instead. Ordination involves a mirror, a proverb, and your own good judgment, which we are trusting you with more than is perhaps wise.
Is Franklin secretly still alive, running this from somewhere?
We neither confirm nor deny this, mostly because we genuinely don't know, and partly because "neither confirm nor deny" is doing quite a lot of admonition-adjacent heavy lifting for us on this particular question.
How Do I Join?
Ordination as a Licensed Lamplighter is open to anyone willing to follow four steps, none of which we can verify, all of which we trust you to do honestly, per Admonition Seven.
- Go to bed measurably earlier than you did last night. "Measurably" is generous. Ten minutes counts.
- Stand in front of a mirror, alone, and recite one (1) proverb from The Sacred Almanack with a straight face. Laughing partway through does not disqualify you. It just means you know something you're not saying.
- Write one (1) letter you do not intend to send. Fold it. Do not address it. Keep it somewhere you trust, or somewhere you don't, which is its own kind of trust exercise.
- Tell no one you did any of this. Per Admonition Two, this step is also the proof that you did it.
That's it. There is no card, no certificate, no confirmation email, because there is no database, no mailing list, and no one on the other end to send one. You are ordained the moment you finish step four, and the only record of it is the one you just decided, privately, to believe.
Still Have Doubts?
Correct response. See Admonition Eleven. Then go read the doctrine again. It gets no clearer on a second pass, but you'll feel more Industrious for trying.